i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Randomize
