I wannas sexs uuuuu
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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