I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
