I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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