So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize