Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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