Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
