So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Be still, my beating vagina.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
