woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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