Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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