probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
