I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I supernannyed him into submission
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
