I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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