Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize