low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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