I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize