I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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