I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
