Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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