mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I don't think brook has ever known best
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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