We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
