I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
