Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
