Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
