Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
