i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
