.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
