do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
