I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
