The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Randomize
