my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
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