I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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