theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
