She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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