just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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