Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
