Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
