I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
