i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
