You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
