1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
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