last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
