I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
