I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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