their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
