I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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