I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
