can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
