I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize