Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize