Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
