I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
