What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
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