apparently the secret to your success is patron
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
