So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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