We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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