Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
