He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
