My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
