I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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