Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
