get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
