Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I would fuck him just for his dog
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
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