Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
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