literally had 100 drinks last night.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
The adults are the big ones right?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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