Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
