we were pretty classy up until the second keg
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
