Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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